Center of Neutrality Becomes Center of Gravity

Geneva, Switzerland - long known as a haven for Neutrals - today became the center of Earth's gravity when a cult of young scientists led by the notorious Stephen Hawking turned on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in an attempt to find God, which their cult believes is actually a particle. Tragically, their attempt at unraveling the mysteries of the universe instead lead to the unraveling of the actual universe when the LHC generated several micro black holes. These micro black holes merged to become one mini black hole, which was nonetheless strong enough to shift the center of Earth's gravity close to the LHC itself. One scientist is currently attempting to shut down the experiment, but his hand is at least an inch away from the button and, since time is now passing much slower in Geneva than it is in the United States, it will be January here before he finishes pressing it.

In the mean time, the Italian government has gone on a high state of alert, fearing the black hole's well known appetite for spaghetti may cause it to cross into their territory in search of food.

Please check back at increasingly smaller intervals if you are closer to Geneva than me or increasingly larger intervals if you are further from Geneva than me to get the latest information as this story unfolds.

South Dakota Moves Presidential Primary for 2012 to December 2008

In a move designed to get candidates to focus on South Dakota early in the nomination process instead of ignoring them for the entire process, the state legislature has voted to move the Democratic primary from June 3 in the year of the presidential election to December 1 in the year of the previous election.

Legislator Todd White explained it this way: “We figure that by the end of November, we know who the President is, so everyone who was running before is now ready to start campaigning for the next election. We thought about moving it to after the inauguration in January, but we wanted to make sure no one leap-frogged over us. It would be pretty ludicrous to have a primary in November, so we figure December 1 is a safe bet.”

Other states, however, are already making noise about changing their own primary dates in response. New Hampshire, which traditionally holds the first true primary (Iowa holds a caucus instead of a primary), has considered moving it’s primary to the day of the previous Presidential election.

“Frankly, it’s a time saver,” said State Senator Douglas Townsend. “People are already there to vote. What’s one more issue on the ballot? Plus, many of the candidates who run in one election run in the next, so if the person currently running isn’t you’re first choice, you can go ahead and nominate someone else for the next go round even as you’re reluctantly voting the current nominee into office.”

Some Democrats have expressed concern that this would push the campaign season for Presidential election to before the previous election, causing parties to split on the issues just when a unified voice is most important.

“Think about it,” said Denise Peru, a member of the DNC. “Within a couple of weeks of the nomination, candidates who didn’t get the nomination will start campaigning again. We need to be focusing the nation’s attention on the current candidate for the current election. This only serves to further degrade the process and demonstrates the need for reform.”

In a poll asking voters what they thought the biggest issue in the 2012 Presidential campaign was, the top ten responses were:

1. Social Security
2. Health care
3. Iraq
4. The economy
5. The Second Coming
6. Privacy
7. Education
8. Robots
9. Immigration
10. Wait, did you say 2012?

Florida Swept Out to Sea as Record 10th Tropical System Hits State

This tropical activity in Florida is just getting excessive. There may already be an Onion article along these lines, but I had five free minutes in an otherwise busy day. And having other things to do is the greatest inpiration to write..

Florida Swept Out to Sea as Record 10th Tropical System Hits the State

The last remaining portions of Florida were washed away yesterday as Hurricane Walter passed over the eastern United States, the 10th tropical system (of which 7 were hurricanes) to do so this season.

Parts of Florida have washed ashore all along the east coast and Gulf coast. Additionally, debris from the state has landed in the neighboring states of Georgia and Alabama, even as far north as South Carolina, carried by the winds of various storms.

But even as home and business owners were declaring the state a total loss, Florida Governor J.E.B. Bush was optimistic.

“We will rebuild,” Governor Bush declared on Tuesday at a White House press conference. The Governor is staying at the White House with his brother, President George W. Bush, for the time being. “The hurricanes this season have taken an unprecedented toll on our state, but much of the population was evacuated prior to the simultaneous impacts of Otto and Paula, and Georgia says we can stay with them until Florida gets back on her feet. Montana, Colorado, and Wyoming have offered to donate parts of their mountains to help reform the peninsula. Americans are once again coming together and helping each other to get through dark and dangerous times.”

“We have been attacked,” President Bush added, speaking after his brother. “I am told that these tropical systems often originate in Africa. I am also told that several countries I thought were in the middle east are actually in Africa. So I am putting together a commission to determine if Al-Qaeda is somehow involved in all this. And just in case they are, I’m going to go ahead and invade Syria before the commission can complete its investigation.”

Reverend Jerry Falwell called this publication, eager to share his perspective on the situation. “God is obviously angry with us for even considering to recognize gay marriage. I expect California to experience a 10.0 earthquake that will cause it to break off from the rest of the country. Then, once Las Vegas is wiped out by tornadoes, perhaps we can begin to ask for forgiveness.” We then promptly hung up the phone and told ourselves to pay closer attention to the caller I.D.

Many displaced Floridians, doubtful that the Governor’s plans to rebuild will work, are arguing that southern Georgia should be given to them. Georgia objected, especially since land values in southern Georgia have skyrocketed. “This is our land. If they want to stay, buy some land, pay some taxes, that’s fine. But it’s not going to be New Florida. Let them have Puerto Rico or something.”

Puerto Rico protested Georgia’s proposal, saying they didn’t want to pay any federal income taxes.

When asked about the debate over the future geographic location of Florida, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan looked frightened and said "I- Did you read the press releases? It's not in there? It's- I'll have to look into that one."