Saturday, November 06, 2004

Job Search Advice

I am really getting tired of reading books and columns (I'm looking at you, MSN) on how to find a job. So here's my list of things you should do to find a job.

1) Spend your entire childhood working toward a single career. Be sure to pick a field that will still be around in 20 years. Make sure all of your hobbies somehow contribute knowledge and experience that will help you in that eventual career. Avoid television, video games, fiction books, sports (if not your chosen career), or fun of any kind that may distract you from your goal and allow you to relate to other human beings.

2) Know people in companies that are currently hiring people with your skill sets and career interests. If you don’t know anyone who can find you a job, you’re probably a loser and don’t deserve to work.

3) You know those personality characteristics that you thought made you unique and that your friends supposedly find endearing? Get rid of them. Potential interviewers are going to pass judgment on you based on their first five seconds of knowing you. If you act like a freak, they won’t hire you.

4) Be willing to do anything and everything to get a job, but don’t act desperate. That will turn people off.

5) Have lots of experience that employers are looking for. If you are just getting into the job market, see item #1.

6) Find a company that you really want to work for and stalk them. Send them your resume every two weeks. Call them once a week. Hang out outside their facilities every day until security asks you to leave.

7) At the end of an interview, you will have an opportunity to ask questions. If the interview did not go well, be sure ask “Why the hell am I here?”, “Did you even look at my resume?”, or “Are you legally required to jerk people’s chains before hiring someone you already had your heart set on, or am I just special?” for future reference.

8) Keeping looking. It's not unusual for a job search to take more than a week. If it takes more than a year, however, you're probably screwed.

9) Remember, Wal-mart is always hiring.

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