Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Center of Neutrality Becomes Center of Gravity

Geneva, Switzerland - long known as a haven for Neutrals - today became the center of Earth's gravity when a cult of young scientists led by the notorious Stephen Hawking turned on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in an attempt to find God, which their cult believes is actually a particle. Tragically, their attempt at unraveling the mysteries of the universe instead lead to the unraveling of the actual universe when the LHC generated several micro black holes. These micro black holes merged to become one mini black hole, which was nonetheless strong enough to shift the center of Earth's gravity close to the LHC itself. One scientist is currently attempting to shut down the experiment, but his hand is at least an inch away from the button and, since time is now passing much slower in Geneva than it is in the United States, it will be January here before he finishes pressing it.

In the mean time, the Italian government has gone on a high state of alert, fearing the black hole's well known appetite for spaghetti may cause it to cross into their territory in search of food.

Please check back at increasingly smaller intervals if you are closer to Geneva than me or increasingly larger intervals if you are further from Geneva than me to get the latest information as this story unfolds.

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