Thursday, March 17, 2005

Animatronic World Leaders: The Disney Conspiracy

Since the pope and his failing health were in the news, as well as the transfer of power about to take place at Disney, I couldn't help but think of a little conspiracy theory my roommate and I thought of back in college. I was just going through my files after restoring them to my computer when I found this. I hadn't even realized I'd written it down. Go figure. I 've added a couple of things to update it.

The circumstantial evidence has been gathered, the paranoia has increased, and the time has come for the revelation of perhaps one of the greatest conspiracies this world has yet seen. Who needs the Illuminati when you’ve got the corporate king of American-dominated mindless superficiality, Disney. If you think the hopelessly implausible and predictable plots of their movies were scary, wait until you hear what they’ve been doing (other than brainwashing our children – that’s another issue entirely).
Today’s topic: animatronic world leaders. That’s right. Disney has secretly been replacing world leaders with animatronic counterparts. Only four have been confirmed thus far. However, we are keeping an eye out for other suspicious characters – pun intended. The four confirmed cases are outlined here to give the reader an idea of what to look for.

Pope John Paul II, a.k.a. The Energizer Bunny

He just keeps going and going and going. Despite several bouts of pneumonia, several bumps to the head, and speculation that he is suffering from MS, the Pope is not only still alive, but he’s still very active, touring the world and meeting with other (though not necessarily animatronic) world leaders. How does he do it? Believers would like to think that God is keeping him alive to serve a grander purpose. However, the more likely conclusion is that he is an early model of the World Leaders series of animatronic characters. The trembling in his hands, engineers have suggested, is not MS, but signs of a faulty mechanical system, a faulty electrical system, or even a software bug. If the problem is not fixed, Disney may consider recalling this particular model.

Update: Continued hardware failures have forced Disney to take the Pope out of commission for days at a time, thus the need to confine him to a “hospital”, away from the viewing public. A major malfunction in the voice synthesizer has rendered his speech nearly unrecognizable. Disney’s current CEO, Michael Eisner, may be pushing the limits of believability and risks exposure if he continues to leave this model in the field. Will Eisner’s replacement decide to finally take this model out of commission for good? Stay tuned to find out.


There have been ten U.S. presidents in the time that Castro has ruled Cuba, and if the year-ending-in-zero curse holds true, it looks like that number may become eleven sooner rather than later. His longevity alone is evidence of something amiss. But why make Castro animatronic? Well, it seems Castro may have been part of the original motivation for the World Leader series of animatronic characters. After the Cuban missile crisis, Disney realized that Cuba could be a serious problem if left in the wrong hands. So, they accomplished what the CIA could not – they killed him. It took many years and many attempts, but they finally succeeded, possibly some time in the late ‘80’s while the world was distracted by the collapse of the Soviet Union. But that wasn’t enough. Killing Castro would simply result in a chaotic fight for power, possibly leading to an even more corrupt, or at least less familiar, government being put into place. So they replaced him with an animatron. Now, they wouldn’t have to worry about Cuba. Animatronic Castro could continue to spew anti-American propaganda, but now nothing would ever come of it.

Strom Thurmond

Again, longevity leads one to be suspicious of this South Carolina Senator. (Editor’s note: the Strom Thurmond model has failed since the writing of the original article).

Dick Cheney’s Heart

He’s not entirely animatronic, but he sold his soul to Disney for a mechanical heart. Now, he encourages Bush to invade other countries to expand Disney’s potential viewership. That’s right! Iraq wasn’t invaded for its oil! It was invaded for its promise as a new marketplace for Phil of the Future and Aladdin. To appeal to their new audience, they will take the opportunity to sanitize and anachronize the rest of the 1001 Arabian Nights, sure to be a resource for Disney movies and television programs for the next millenium. In a few years, Disney’s Promiseland theme park will attract pilgrims- I mean, tourists, from around the globe. Look out India and China – Asia is the final frontier of Disney dominance.


Blogger Lori said...

Here we are in the 21st Century and more and more alien shows keep coming out on television. Perhaps one day the government will finally call it quits and tell us mere mortals that they have captured alien life and doing experiments with them as the aliens supposedly do experiments on us human beings. I mean, at least it would give me the feeling of tables being turned on the aliens. Maybe we can teach those foreign creations about something like men who attract harsh women and show them a thing or two.
men who attract harsh women

3/21/2006 7:12 AM  

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