Away Message

You have been forwarded to an answering service. To leave a message, listen to these entirely irrelevant options until the beep, which will not be loud enough to wake you from your slumber, causing you to leave at least five seconds of dead silence as a message before you realize it’s your turn to talk. To page this person, dial their pager number instead. To leave a call back number, tell the person you are calling to check their caller ID when you leave your message. To leave a text message, start typing now. If you have left repeated messages and they haven’t called you back, they hate you. Please go away. If you are a telemarketer, Bun-bun has been dispatched to your location. If you are an automated telemarketer, didn’t we go to high school together? If you are a bill collector, this person has moved and left no forwarding address. If you are my arch-nemesis, please press “1” and start your monologue now, that I may escape. If you are my stalker, please press “2” so the police can trace your call. If you’re a friend, just press “0” to talk to me. Otherwise, [beep!].