Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Race to the Bottom: WB and UPN Join Forces

In an attempt to “suck less”, the television networks WB and UPN will be combining to form a new network, CW. “C” stand for “CBS”, which owns UPN, while “W” stands for Warner Brothers. They decided against using three letters like the other networks because “it might raise expectations too much,” according to one executive. “Small steps, people. Small steps.”

“We’re hoping to have at least one or two shows with decent ratings between the two of us,” CBS CEO Les Moonves said of the merger. “It’s been very hard for both networks to compete. Maybe if we combine and spread our shows out over seven nights, someone, somewhere, will actually watch.” Quality is, of course, a concern. "If it gets in the way of good ratings, it has to go."

“You know what this means, don’t you?” said Cindy Morris, an avid television viewer and fan fiction writer. “A Smallville/Veronica Mars crossover is finally possibly. Chloe and Veronica are so long lost twins!” Other crossover possibilities created by the merger include Beauty and the Geek with America’s Next Top Model and WWE Smackdown with 7th Heaven.

This news is true, the details are not. Quotes attributed to actual people were not said. Quotes attributed to fictional people likely reflect the attitudes of actual people, or computers pretending to be actual people on the Internet. Les Moonves is not fictional, though he may still be a computer.


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