Stupid Entertainment News Media

I was in line at the grocery store the other day when I glimpsed a headline in one of those tabloids that scream at you while you're trying to make your mind wander so the wait won't seem so long. It had a picture of Jessica Simpson next to a picture of Ashlee Simpson. The headline read "Jess gains 20 pounds! Plus, is Ashlee anorexic?"

The underlying logic twisted in on itself, causing a tear in the space-time continuum. The resulting wormhole devoured two checkout counters and the entirety of aisle 5. Devastating. Now where will I get Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Lean Cuisine frozen dinners?